I don't really know.

It's the feeling when an elevator takes off a bit too fast.

Every time I think about sex I am afraid.
Every time a subway pulls in I wonder what it will feel like.
Every time I eat I feel sick.
Every time I move I feel tired.
Every time I work out I get weaker.
Every time I hang out I feel my life wasting away.

I read a book, do work, failing to see the point.
Most of us don't get what we want, but I don't think I'm getting anything I need.

I miss Israel. I almost cried when I came to the obviously conclusion that I wouldn't make it for a week in the army with my broken body, then I felt even more sick.

Waking up in a pool of my sweat, fucking sickness over and over, disgusting, painful and most of all tiresome.

I wear my orange band. Orange is the color of the people that are opposed to the kicking jews out of the "occupied territories." I am proud. I wish them well. I want to support them.

The thought of cigarettes, booze and disappearance are appealing, but, they will not take my life from me.

I am so disconnected that reconnection does not seem worth the part. Wandering the world, a nobody, an anonymous gaunt figure with deep lines of pain on my face, always a little stooped, a little bent.

I don't have fear because it will be welcomed, I might cry, I might laugh, and I might be scared but it will be what I need and have hoped for a long time.

Tomorrow, I will stretch, I will finish my laundry, I will ride my bike, I will hang with friends and I will push it all away, to make it better, to make it hurt less; I will smile, nod and laugh. No one will know except you and I.

Then maybe all on its own, or with the slightest push, it will get better, and all these chemicals flowing in the wrong direction, firing off randomly, for the worse... will turn, shift, acquiesce and bring light into my life.

It hasn't happened before, but I have hope.

I like my writing, there is nothing all that unique about it and I am thankful to have this outlet, it helps.